Unexpected last minute firsts!

It's actually a lovely way to view the world when a bad moment becomes an experience.
My first puncture became actually quite exciting (the fact I was close to home and could get a lift back helped)
And my first parking ticket was just a life lesson. (even though I was a bit miffed with my wheels just slightly out of the bay)

I guess the problem arises when we don't learn from these experiences that we want to remain 'one offs'
I now know never to leave extra room for the old bid in the car behind to be able to pull out with ease and when people say "that tyre looks a bit flat", to actually do something about it!

Christmas Do's

I have just spent the evening at my husbands Xmas do. I room full of primarily successful males.
How wonderful it was to meet the wives of these men.
I feel a mass exit of women running away since a conversation with many of then.
Whoops xxx

The waiting.

There is no rush.
There is no panic.

When making major decisions, sometimes it is harder to sit tight and steer your boat in a slightly different direction than it is to jump over board.

I'm not, by any means, saying there is a right or wrong answer, just not an easy one.

Forgot it was on the list but changed my life.

I've always wanted to be a barmaid.
I think it's my ability to talk total rubbish, my love of people and flirty nature.
It was just an idea in the back of my head, but the sequence of events that so easily flowed into me cheekily asking for the job, the obvious 'click' between the landlord and me, slotting comfortably in, all made it seem so right.

Sometimes in life, things just seem right. It's not about thinking long and hard about decisions, it's going with the flow and seeing where the path takes you.
And oh, how am I enjoying the ride.

Chocolate Dreamboat

A simple pleasure of which I've just been reminded.

Anyone who has seen me will know I have the body of a woman who enjoys food.
The only things i don't like are Shepherds Pie, parsley sauce, star bars and Double Deckers.

But do you know I had never tried a Krispy Kreme donut??
I know, not an ounce of this body was made with the thanks to that donut company.
Easily rectified with a dozen variety box from my sister, who joined me in trying every flavour.
Fun yummy activity, but I've decided, I'm really not that fussed about donuts either.

Place a Bet.

I am not a gambler.

I am a planner. I write lists. I like to make informed judgements.
And after a spout emptying slot machines for a job as a teenager, I am certainly not a gambler. (those things take a fortune)

But as thousands of people do go to the races, or enter the confusing world of '2 to 1' '4 for 3', once was going to do no harm.
So was I able to throw caution to the wind at Ascot? Not really no.
I placed a 50p bet on all five runners .
Unsurprisingly i won!

So i didn't quite let go of that 'non risk taker' aspect of my life there, but does that matter?
To just jump, To gamble, To just dive into the hands of the gods sometimes seems an option, I know!!!
But at the end of the day, you are the decision maker of your own life.

For a woman who doesn't like to gamble, the right, well thought out decision, can be a very hard one to find.

Karaoke

Why can I not be me?

I like me.
I am a nice, kind, person. I do not knowingly do or say anything that would hurt others and would put anyone before myself.

Why is it then I cant be me?
At home I will sing all day. I belt them out. And my all singing, all dancing Aretha Franklin 'Think' is one to behold.

And my shower songs are to rival the birds: Sam Brown 'Stop', 'Valarie' Alison Moyet, Adele, 'Make you feel my love' Love singing them all!!!

But can I utter one note out of these four walls??? Oh no, If I do it has to be in a comedy format- warbley old woman or in a musical style.

I've had two experience now of karaoke. One a drunken one (at my gay disco) when one guest, who was refusing to join in due to his inhibitions, ended up joining us as we were, "all so crap!! Not even I'm that bad!" he exclaimed.

The other was when my thoughtful husband had surprised me by hiring a soundproof booth for me and my friends to sing our hearts out. Which we did.
Did it matter that we did not hold the voices of angels?
Of course not.
No one noticed.
No one cared!!!


Each of us should celebrate who we are, not how society, friends and family want us to be!
I'm nice and I like being me!!

Gay disco.

No idea why!!!


At a gay bar, people are free to be what and who they want to be.
Don't get me wrong, I've not decided to bat for the other team but I do long to love myself for being me.

"I am what I am"!!!

I never did make the gay bar, but I did host a gay disco in my bar at home, where we dressed up in the perception of a gay man and ate willy shaped food as all gay people obviously do every night.

My favourite!

Biker!!!!!

You would think it was easy to find someone who would give you a 'backy' on their motorbike, but it's harder than you think.
These men who seemingly have them breeding in the garage are not always nurturing them into a useable state.
And some men who have the gleaming models, drive them so fast, I would actually fear for my life.
This posed for me a problem, knackered out, unroadworthy banger, or mental fast boy! This dilemma was solved by a friend who knew just the man.

Meeting a stranger, jumping on the back of his bike and gripping for dear life as he sailed me through country lanes was amazing enough, but when he ended to ride at an airfield and took me over Henley in his plane was purely breathtaking.

This one was all about being free and I will be eternally grateful to my dear friend who made this happen.
One of the most enjoyable moments of my life.
Thank you Leonard xxx

A little thought....

"All we know about the future is that it will be different. But perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same."


(& the second half of the quote, which at this time I am struggling with)

"So we must celebrate the changes. Because, as someone once said, everything will be all right in the end. And if it’s not all right, then trust me,it’s not yet the end."


Hotel Marigold.

Invisible

Even when I spontaneously start a naked aerobics routine on the landing, do a word perfect rendition of Aretha Franklin's 'Think' with Blues Brothers dance moves at the top of my voice during lunch or like today gyrating and singing 'If you want my body and you think I'm sexy' whilst wearing no more than a tiny candy cane striped g-string in the garden; I still remain invisible.

No one bats an eyelid.

Maybe my list is a way to feel part of this world, even if for a brief moment

Bingo-???????

I know half the nation loves it, and i knew i would have to try it, but i have never, ever had such an annoying night in my life.

Fisrtly there's the books.
 Now I would be more than happy just doing one line at a time, but no you have to keep your eyes on loads.

And do you cross, circle or dob???

 And where do you get dobbers from?

And why did no one tell me till half way though that the numbers were in lines?

And personally, there is nothing worse than having 1 number left to go for most of the game.

And the bingo caller could not have had a more dull drone to his voice.

Did I win? Obviously not or I would have loved it.
What did i learn?
Never to go again, and my best friends mum can swear like a trooper!!!

Why have I never eaten sushi?

People and lives change so much over time.

I look back to me at 21. I had bought my own flat, was ambitious, feisty and independent.
I often think if people i knew then could see me now, what a disappointment i would be.
Actually, if I (back then) could see myself now, i would be truly disappointed in myself.

And i think a lot of my list stemmed from the fact there are things in my life that i want to do that my husband doesn't.

SUSHI, being one of them. Why had I never been to a sushi bar because he doesn't like sushi?

And i think that is an important part of a mid life thing. The realisation that we are our own person.

"Your idea of fun and mine are completely different"

I am a wife and mother, but I am also me, Emma. I no longer know what i give to the world, but jeeezzz, I need to find it.

Self worth

I sit here in my big house and look around me.
Nothing i see has come from money i have earnt.
Dont get me wrong, money is shared in our house, I can spend it how and when i like, and i am happy to. Just not on me.

I wear jeans and a t shirt, boots with holes in, Primark labels and i eat value food, will only buy a coffee occasionally and drink tap water when out.
I have not been made to feel this way, but never the less, i do.

Yes you may argue I have supported my husband so enable him to become the great success he is today, but it gets to a point where you want it for yourself.
Just saying x

Gratecrashing and All Nighters.

The more i think about the list and my actions, the more i realise that if i can justify it to myself, then it is some how ok.

On this night i met two wonderful people, Charlene and Leonard. Sometimes in life you meet people you just click with, straight away. One of the wonderful things about getting old i guess, is that you can spot it instantly.

Charlene and some others had been invited to a party, I had not. But after justifying to myself that if asked, I could be Charlenes lesbian lover, I was happier to go univited.
Im so glad I did, we had a hoot.
I remember Leonard asking what shots i drank, and me replying i didnt. I should have known by his response of "You do now." that it would be a great night.

And it was a great night, drinking, laughing, dancing, chatting, meeting some great people.
Well  the three of us ended up back at my house (the bar the previous owners left is an easy draw).
And after i had whipped us up a couple of Strawberry Daquiris (containing none of the ingredients in a strawberry daquiri) the time flew.

I dont think i had spent so long laughing in years, nor did i realise that reading peoples face book posts drunk could be so hilarious....Charlene was a natural at this, with brilliant voices and tones to match the mood..........and honest to god time just flew.

I knew when the sun started to rise this would be my first all nighter.
There is something childishly exciting seeing the sunrise when you havent yet gone to bed.
It seems so simple, but it is truly a night i will remember forever.

Now the down side to this tale is my husband did awake to find and empty spot beside him and his wife downstairs and a strange man on the sofa.
But when asked at 3pm the next day, (me now feeling over tired and a tadge grumpy),
 "Was it really worth it?"
I was able to look at my husband with the most enormous smile and simply reply,
"YES!"

Stand Naked in the rain.

I once remember sitting with my dad in the lounge one rainy summers day when i was in my late teens. Me watching telly, he reading the paper.
 Suddenly, and without explanation, my mother walked past us and into the garden, completely naked, where she proceeded to walk out into the rain, lift her chin to the skies and slowly spin.
I remember thinking at the time, "mum's lost it" and looked over to my dad for some reassurance. This slight  reassurance came when dad just peered over the top of his paper, looked at her, for a brief second, and then continued to read as if it were an every day occurrence.

Now i get her completely.

This may appear an easy thing to achieve; to stand naked in the rain, but believe me, there is more to it than meets the eye. It wasn't until i had a couple of failed attempts did i succeed.

Attempt one was never going to be easy. By the time i had thought about it, convinced myself no one would spot me, got my dressing gown, got undressed and unlocked the back door, the rain had annoyingly stopped.

Attempt two was sightly better, i moved quicker, with less obstruction in my head.
 I made it naked from the downstairs loo to the back door and stood starkers outside.
But the rain had subsided to no more that a light shower. No where on my list did it say "Stand naked and be dribbled on".
Another failure, and  by this time my children had begun to wonder why i kept appearing with no clothes on evertime it rained.

Although attempt three was some time after, conditions were perfect and it was in fact my daughter who spotted this 'ideal standing naked in the rain' weather. She ran to me shouting "mum, mum its raining...and the suns out!!!........do it now!!!!"
And without hessitation i did, i stripped, walked out the back door and into the garden. The sun was shining, the rain was refreshing, and i stood arms stretched to the sides and slowly span.
As i lifted my chin and felt the drops on my face i felt truely alive xxx

Ive done it twice since and this summer will be looking for that perfect mix of sunshine and showers to do it again.
Truly liberating and i highly recommend it to everyone!!!

What make a sane 39 year old go mental?

Someone asked me last night why my 'wobbles' started and I feel that whilst my blogging is in its infancy, i should address what sends a sane woman mental.


1. I know the exact moment it started. I was having lunch with a friend who asked innocently if i could imagine living in the same house, with the same man for the next 40 years.
I hope in repeating her comment, that i have not sent you into a panic.
I had never thought of it before, and looking back, i wish I never had.

2. I have it all. I have 3 angel children, privately educated; a tolerant successful husband, and a house beyond my dreams. And that is where my troubles started. What do you aim for in the next 40 years of life, when you have materialistically more than you ever wished for?

3. As a feisty mother of 3 girls, it was always my aim to bring up strong independent women. The down side of strong independent daughters is that they very soon do not need mothering.

4. A stranger asked me if i was happy. An innocent question, but one no one had ever thought to ask me before....never in my life. And it made me think........Am i happy?


OK, enough with the heavy stuff...back to the list!!!!

Diving! (no not that sort of diving)

DIVING

There gets to a point in a woman's life that swimming no longer becomes enjoyable.
I think it comes after two or three experiences of getting cold, wet children and babies showered dried and dressed, whilst you stand shivering, desperate for the loo. Then when it is finally your turn, you discover all the towels are now wet and you have dried naturally.
And swimming? Do I ever get to swim? No. I get splashed, swam under (scratching my legs as they attempt to swim between them), used as a pushing post, and it is obviously totally enjoyable being dunked. Do I swim a stroke? No!
This I get, I understand it. Its not fun.

But when did I ever stop diving? I don't mean scuba diving or anything fancy, I just mean standing on the edge of a pool and diving in.
I did it as a kid and teenager so why not now?

Really if you think about it 1 second of courage and you're there.
So in the privacy of a private pool in France I did it!!!
Will I be doing it again? Oh yes but to save the embarrassment of my kids, i may choose to wear more than an easily removable bikini!!!

Stealing.

OK, this isn't quite as bad as it sounds.
I am quite an honest person and made it through till now without taking a single thing. Not a penny chew, not an eye liner in my teens, nothing. Now i don't know if its just me, but sometimes when i have items in my hands and no one is around, the thought of 'I could just take this and no one would know', does cross my mind, but obviously i never do.

On this day i was shopping in a large department store, squeezing in a quick shop for my nieces birthday. I had taken far to long to choose a few pieces of jewellery when the fire alarm went off. I was ushered out of the shop and found myself out side, in the cold, gifts in hand.
So i waited.
and waited.
"Sod this, I wont bother."
So i walk towards the door to return the goods back to the shop when this snooty shop assistant locked the door, right in front of me.
 I walk round the outside of the shop to the next door to find the same shop assistant smiling at me in a smug way and lock that door too.
 I do admit, i walked a lot slower to the third and final door, with visions of the jumped up assistant racing her way across the shop to beat me. If I'm honest, in my head I knew what i was going to do. She had beaten me. The door was locked and as i slipped the 'gifts' into my bag i justified my actions by convincing myself i would return to the shop to pay for them later. Of course i never did.

And as i walked away, i knew the time had come to start ticking things off my list.

Intoduction to 'The List'.

There gets to a time in your life when you feel you should have experienced certain things. I'm not talking skydiving or bungee jumping, but just basic things that really a woman in her 40's should have come across. I didn't sit down and create a list, I just kept notes on my phone and the more time went on, the more things emerged. And that is how my 'Things to do before I'm 40' began.